So, you’re thinking about swinging but haven’t taken the plunge?
Here are a few hints and tips from my perspective: things I wish I’d known before I started, and things I’ve learned along the way.
Whether you’re single or part of a couple, take this the same way you would advice given to new parents: take what resonates and works for you, and leave what doesn’t. Different things work for different people, relationships and dynamics.
I’ll start with the one piece of advice Paul and I give to anyone dipping their toe into the lifestyle: at some point, you will get something wrong. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your partner.
We’ve both fucked up along the way. Usually, the person who messed up has been far harder on themselves than the other person has been on them.
That doesn’t mean brushing things under the carpet. It means being honest, listening and working out what needs to change.
Start With the Conversation
First, ask yourself why you want to try swinging.
Is there a fantasy you want to try? A dynamic you want to explore? Or are you hoping it will fix something fundamentally broken in your relationship?
That last one needs an honest answer. Just like having a baby, bringing extra people into your relationship won’t magically repair it. Problems with trust, communication or feeling disconnected need attention before you add anyone else into the mix.
If you have a partner, have you discussed opening your relationship? Has it come up as a fantasy, or will this catch them completely off guard?
Something you talk about to turn each other on isn’t necessarily something you both want to do in real life.
For me, communication is the biggest strength you need when opening a relationship. Can you talk honestly about what you want and what worries you, even when it’s not what the other person wants to hear?
You need to be able to say “I’d love to try this,” but just as freely say “I’m not ready.”
Discuss what you’re both comfortable with. Would you like to meet a single man or woman, swap with another couple, or explore all of those options? You don’t need an itinerary, but you do need to know whether you’re imagining similar things.
For your first experience, I’d suggest sticking to what you’ve discussed beforehand. It’s an exciting environment, and it’s easy to get carried away. You don’t need to tick off every scenario on your first night.
Where to Start
Here are a few ways you might start exploring, depending on what you’re comfortable with.
1. Finding People Online
From a mainly UK perspective, these are the platforms I’ve used:
FabSwingers.com: It looks like it predates MySpace, including the ancient emojis. In my experience, everyone seems to be on it, and the forums are useful for finding events. But a single woman’s inbox can be fucking awful. You don’t owe anyone a reply.
SwingHub: More of an Instagram vibe. Lots of people like it; personally, I can’t get to grips with it. Possibly a me problem.
SpicyMatch: An international platform we’ve mainly used for SpicyMatch holidays.
When looking at profiles, I start with attraction, then read the bio. Have they made an effort? Are we interested in similar things? Could we get along?
I also look at in-person verifications, particularly from people I know. I have friends who like to be fucked in a similar way to me, so their glowing reviews are worth their weight in gold.
They aren’t a guarantee of safety or chemistry, though. How someone communicates and respects boundaries matters too.
2. A Social
Meeting people on the swinging scene, with no sex involved. A chance to chat and get a feel for the community.
3. A Private Meet
Meeting a couple or single person in a home, hotel or other private setting. You can meet for coffee or a drink first before deciding whether to take things further.
4. A Private Party
A host invites a group to a private venue. Ask about the atmosphere and expectations beforehand.
5. A Swingers Club
A venue where you can socialise and, if you choose to, play. Check its rules and event details before going.
Personally, I’d suggest a club as a first step. I find there’s less pressure to play than at a private meet, and there are staff you can turn to. Tell them you’re new—they may be able to show you around and introduce you to people.
If the club runs a newbies’ night, that would be my starting point.
Go with no expectations, but an open mind. Paying for entry isn’t paying for sex. It’s not a brothel, and nobody owes you anything.
The biggest surprise for me was how normal everyone was. Just people having a chat, a laugh and a night out—with considerably less clothing.
Actually talk to people. It’s easy to sit in a corner waiting to be approached. Say hello, explain it’s your first visit and ask whether they’ve been before. Not every conversation has to lead to anything.
What to Take—and When to Dress Down
Check entry requirements: you may need membership, photo ID and proof of address. Also check whether there’s a bar or it’s bring your own booze.
My packing list is:
- Condoms: Bring your own.
- Lube: If you use it.
- Lingerie or an outfit you feel amazing in: Follow the dress code, but choose something comfortable and attractive to you. Some lingerie offers so much coverage you’d wear less at the beach.
- Flip-flops: Eventually, heels stop being fun. And boxers with trainers might not be the look the men are going for either.
- Something comfy for the journey home: A tracksuit or pyjamas for me.
Although my favourite post-sex-club look was neon-green thigh-high Pleasers and an Oodie.
Comfort, but make it ridiculous.
Check whether the night is instant dress-down, meaning you change into your lingerie or club outfit when you arrive.
Personally, I prefer it. As a nervous newbie, it was easier to rip the plaster off. Now, it’s one less thing to think about.
When it was optional, I’d agonise over the timing. Had everyone changed? Was it too early? Too late?
“Oh my God, everyone else is dressed down. Are they all waiting for me?”
Nobody was even bothered.
I turned what was essentially taking my dress off into a massive event in my own head.
During the Night: Check In and Ask
Keep checking in with your partner. A quick “How are you feeling?” gives you both a chance to say whether you want to continue, slow down or take a break.
If one wants to play and the other doesn’t, pause and talk. Nobody should feel pressured to agree just to keep their partner happy. Your relationship is paramount.
Consent is non-negotiable, and asking doesn’t need a rehearsed line.
“Are you up for playing?” is absolutely fine.
“Do you want to check out the playrooms?” can start the conversation, but agreeing to look around isn’t agreeing to have sex.
Ask everyone involved. One person can’t say yes on behalf of their partner, and group fun isn’t an open invitation to join in. An open door doesn’t change that. Get a clear yes from everyone before getting involved.
A yes to one thing isn’t a yes to everything. Ask before trying something different. If someone seems unsure, uncomfortable or goes quiet, pause and check.
You can change your mind at any point, including halfway through. Something might appeal in theory but feel different in practice—or simply stop being something you enjoy.
And declining can be as simple as:
“Not tonight, thank you.”
“I’m not feeling it tonight.”
“Maybe later”—only if you mean it. You don’t have to soften a no by leaving the door open.
If someone makes you uncomfortable or won’t take no for an answer, tell the staff. You aren’t making a fuss. Having someone to turn to is one reason clubs make me feel safer, especially for newbies.
Alcohol and Nerves
Don’t use alcohol to push yourself into something you aren’t comfortable with.
Nobody wants to be the sloppy drunk—or deal with one. Everyone needs to be clear-headed enough to make decisions, communicate and freely consent. If someone is too drunk to do that, don’t play.
You’ve already got a new experience to process. You don’t need beer fear added to the mix tomorrow.
Sexual Health
Condoms are one of my non-negotiables. Paul and I also test every twelve weeks. Having multiple partners means sexual health is something we take seriously.
That’s our routine, rather than a rule for everyone. Your sexual health service can advise on what tests you need and when.
Free home STI testing is available through NHS and NHS-partner services in many areas. Check eligibility and whether your postcode is covered:
Privacy and Discretion
If you recognise someone, don’t share it with people in your vanilla life. Their presence isn’t your gossip to pass on. Give them the discretion you’d want yourself.
I’ve bumped into a few people I know. We’ve laughed, joked and carried on with our night.
One guy looked across the bar and said my full maiden name.
Immediate panic.
“How do you know that name?”
“Zoe, it’s me. Neil from school.”
Oh my fucking God. I hadn’t seen him for about seventeen years.
We had a really good catch-up.
We didn’t bang, though.
Check the phone policy. You may need to leave yours in a locker or behind the bar. Follow the rules, and never photograph or film anyone without explicit permission.
I actually love putting my phone away and getting a break from feeling constantly connected.
Although the mum part of my brain never switches off completely. I still check that the sitter hasn’t called—in whatever area the club allows phones.
Afterwards: Keep Talking
Check in on the way home, the next day, midway through the week and again the following week.
What did you enjoy? Was anything uncomfortable? Would you go again? What would you change?
Give the experience time to sink in. You might have different reactions, and feelings can change once you’ve reflected. Keep making room for those conversations.
Going as a Single
Check whether the particular event welcomes single men or women before making plans.
Give yourself those same check-ins afterwards. Did you enjoy it? Feel comfortable? Would you like to go again?
Be honest with yourself about whether it’s right for you.
Take Your Time
You don’t need to do everything—or anything—on your first night. Talk to people, go at your own pace and see how you feel.
You might come home with a new fantasy, new friends or the realisation it isn’t for you. All are valid outcomes.
And if you’re anything like me, you might spend longer panicking about taking your dress off than you do actually wearing it.
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