Zoe’s Modern Life

I thought I’d do a little post explaining some of the different swinging dynamics—and introduce you to a bit of swingo lingo, which is a phrase I’ve just invented for swinging terminology and will now be claiming as my own.

Paul and I dip our toes into quite a few different aspects of swinging, depending on what mood takes us. We identify as a stag-and-vixen, full-swap couple who are happy playing in both the same room and separate rooms.

Basically, that’s a very complicated way of saying we like fucking.

Together. Separately. You get the idea.

One of the biggest misconceptions about swinging is that it’s all married couples throwing their car keys into a bowl before disappearing upstairs with whichever stranger owns the Ford Focus.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

There are single swingers, couples, throuples and people in polyamorous dynamics. There are people of all different ages, shapes, sizes and backgrounds.

There isn’t one particular “type” of person who belongs on the swinging scene.

Physically, I’ve been both a size 24 and a size 8 while on the scene, and the body confidence it has given me—at every size—has been second to none.

You quickly realise that almost everyone has insecurities. While you’re worrying about your stomach, thighs or whichever body part you’ve decided to hate that day, the person looking at you is usually far too busy thinking you’re hot as fuck.

So, with that myth dealt with, here is my very unofficial guide to swinging dynamics—and a little bit of swingo lingo.

Definitions can vary depending on who you ask, so please don’t start an argument in the comments because Dave from your local swingers’ club uses one of them differently.

Relationship Dynamics

Stag and vixen – Traditionally, this describes a couple where the stag enjoys seeing or knowing that his vixen is having sex with other people. Unlike a cuckold dynamic, there isn’t usually any humiliation involved. The stag is proud of her and enjoys the whole thing.

For us, it’s very mutual. We both play, together and separately, and neither person is treated as more important than the other. We’re simply a couple who genuinely enjoys seeing each other have fun.

Hotwife – A married or partnered woman who has sex with other people with her partner’s knowledge and encouragement. There can be a lot of crossover between a hotwife and a vixen, and different couples will use whichever label feels right to them.

Cuckold—or cuck – A man who enjoys his partner having sex with other people, often with an element of submission or humiliation involved.

Cuckquean – The female equivalent of a cuckold: a woman who enjoys her partner having sex with other people, sometimes with humiliation or submission as part of the dynamic.

Bull – A man who plays with a hotwife, vixen or couple. Bulls are often expected to be confident and dominant—and, according to certain profiles, apparently built like a horse—but neither dominance nor an enormous penis is actually compulsory.

Unicorn – A single, usually bisexual woman who is interested in playing with a couple.

She is known as a unicorn because she is what approximately 97% of brand-new couples are searching for—and is about as easy to find as the mythical version.

The term unicorn hunters is sometimes used for couples specifically searching for this dynamic, particularly those who expect the woman to fancy both of them equally, follow all their rules and then disappear conveniently afterwards.

Types of Play

Full swap – Penetrative sex with people outside your own partnership.

Soft swap – Sexual play with other people without penetrative sex between swapping partners. This usually includes kissing, touching, oral sex and foreplay, although every couple has its own definition and boundaries.

Same-room play – Both partners play with other people while remaining in the same room. This is often where couples begin because they enjoy watching each other and feel more comfortable staying together.

Separate-room play – Partners are comfortable playing away from each other, either in different rooms at the same event or completely separately.

Couple swap – Two couples exchange partners and play with each other. This can be soft swap, full swap, same-room or separate-room—because apparently even fucking needs subcategories.

Girl-girl play – Sexual play between women, often as part of a couple swap. Some couples only want the women to play together before everyone goes back to having sex with their own partner.

This is sometimes advertised as girl-girl only, although it’s always worth checking what everyone actually means rather than making assumptions.

Voyeurism – Enjoying watching other people have sex.

I think this is probably most of us. We all love a little perve.

I’ve been around the scene for long enough that seeing people fucking barely registers anymore, but I still love watching newbies encounter it for the first time. There is always a brief moment when their face says, “Oh. They really are just doing it there.”

Yes. Yes, they are.

Exhibitionism – Enjoying being watched while having sex.

Some people go to clubs because they enjoy socialising, meeting new people and having sex in public, but have absolutely no intention of playing with anyone other than their own partner. Being watched is the fun part for them.

Going to a swingers’ club never means you have to swing.

Orgy – Group sexual activity involving several people. There isn’t an official governing body counting limbs and declaring when a foursome legally becomes an orgy, so the exact number depends on who you ask.

Personally, I would probably call four people swapping partners a couple swap or foursome. Once enough people have joined that you’ve lost track of whose hand is where, we’ve entered orgy territory.

Gangbang – A situation where multiple people focus their sexual attention on one person, either at the same time or during the same session. The person in the centre is often a woman, but doesn’t have to be.

The Letters Section

The order of the letters is commonly used to suggest whether the people of the same sex interact sexually. People don’t always use these terms consistently, though, so it is still worth asking.

Truthfully, I don’t tend to bother too much with the letter order when describing our dynamic. Paul is straight, so there is no sexual contact between the men. I’m bisexual, but whether I play with the other woman depends entirely on the vibe between us.

MFM – Two men and one woman, without sexual contact between the men.

MMF – Two men and one woman, with sexual contact between the men potentially included.

FMF – Two women and one man, without sexual contact between the women.

FFM – Two women and one man, with sexual contact between the women potentially included.

Bareback – Penetrative sex without a condom.

Some couples are happy with this, while others—including us—have strict safer-sex boundaries. As with everything else on the scene, nobody should assume. You discuss it before anything happens, and the person with the firmest boundary wins.

Now that we’ve covered who people are and what they might be doing, let’s move on to where they’re doing it.

Types of Events

Swinging isn’t limited to clubs. There are all sorts of ways people meet, socialise and play.

Club night – A swinging event held in a local swingers’ or sex club. Clubs vary enormously: some feel like bars with playrooms attached, while others are much more focused on the sex.

Private party – A smaller event held in somebody’s home, a hired venue or private accommodation. These tend to have fewer guests and can feel more intimate than a club night.

Private meet – Meeting another person or couple for something more intimate, usually in a hotel or somebody’s home. There’s generally less hiding behind the buffet at a private meet—you all know why you’re there.

Common Event Themes

Swing night – A general event where you can socialise, flirt and, if the mood takes you and you vibe with someone, potentially have sex with someone you didn’t arrive with.

The key words there are if the mood takes you. Attendance is not consent, and nobody is ever obliged to play.

Kink night – A club night focused more on BDSM, fetish and kink in general, although some are geared towards one particular interest or dynamic. Depending on the event, there may be little or no sexual play involved.

Crossover event – This is where kink meets swinging. I find these nights fun because you can discover new things and try kinks that look interesting.

Remind me to tell you about the time I ended up with my vagina being electrocuted…

Depending on the night and the crowd, a crossover event can lean more towards heavy kink or filthy swinging. It’s probably not the gentlest introduction for a nervous newbie—or the faint-hearted.

Social – A meet-up for like-minded people, often held in a normal pub or bar. It’s mainly about chatting, making friends and meeting people without the expectation of sex.

That said, ours have ended in a nearby hotel room on more than one occasion.

BBW night – BBW stands for big beautiful women. These events are aimed at bigger women and the people who are attracted to them.

Curve night – Similar on the surface, but I find curve nights tend to feel broader and more body-positive, celebrating a range of fuller and curvier bodies rather than concentrating on one specific fetish.

Some of my favourite nights have been curve nights, but I personally don’t tend to attend events marketed specifically as BBW nights.

Even when I was at my biggest—a UK size 24—I didn’t feel comfortable at them. I didn’t feel like a person; I felt like a fetish for men who were attracted to bigger women. Personally, it made me feel like a piece of meat.

Now that I’m a UK size 10, it simply isn’t my space. I’m not the target audience, so I wouldn’t go.

BBC night – BBC stands for big black cock. These events are aimed at women or couples specifically looking to play with Black men who are assumed—or advertised—to have a large penis.

I don’t tend to attend these either. Have I met men of all races whom I’ve vibed with at clubs and parties? Of course. But an entire night centred on somebody’s skin colour and a racial sexual stereotype feels fetishising to me, and that isn’t my vibe.

You can also find a lot of cuckold couples at these events, and I’m not into submissive men. You could probably have guessed that by now.

Greedy Girls – Some clubs use the name Greedy Girls for a gangbang-style event aimed at women who enjoy being the focus of multiple men. These events often have around three men to every woman.

Newbies’ night – A great starter event for nervous people who want to dip their toes into the scene. The atmosphere is generally more relaxed and understanding because most people there are finding their feet too.

I’ll do a separate post about going to a club for the first time, because there is far too much to cover in one paragraph.

Couples and single ladies’ night – Open to couples and single women. Sorry, single men—this one doesn’t include you.

This is the night for all you unicorn hunters, but it can also be a good option for newbies because there is usually a varied crowd.

Bi night – An event specifically intended for bisexual play.

I’ve never attended one because Paul is straight. He isn’t bothered by men having fun with each other, but that isn’t the point. A man exploring his bisexuality in a space created for it shouldn’t repeatedly be met with, “Sorry, mate, I’m straight.”

I’m not suggesting Paul is so irresistible that every man in the building would want him. I simply don’t think a space needs to cater to you in order for you to respect why it exists.

Let’s face it: the world is full of spaces built for straight men. If one particular night isn’t designed for you, that’s okay.

Girls’ night – A women-only event focused on women playing with women.

Essentially, an evening of lesbian debauchery.

Heavy-play night – Less talky-talky, more fucky-fucky.

Labels can be useful, but conversations matter more.

This list is nowhere near exhaustive, and every club, event organiser and person on the scene may define things slightly differently.

Labels can be useful. They help us find people who enjoy similar things and give us a starting point for explaining what we want. But they don’t tell you somebody’s boundaries, relationship agreements, safer-sex rules or what they might be in the mood for that particular night.

For that, you still have to use your words.

Ask questions. Listen to the answers. Don’t sulk if the answer is no. And never assume that being in a swingers’ club—or using any of the labels above—means somebody has consented to anything at all.

The scene can look intimidating from the outside, but at its best it is simply a group of adults communicating honestly, respecting each other’s boundaries and having a lot of fun.

Sometimes in fairy wings.

Sometimes in a hotel room after what was supposed to be “just a social.”

And occasionally while trying to work out who owns the Ford Focus.